How to Make a Beard for Rutger Hauer
Someone knocks at my door. I answer it. It is Rutger Hauer. His arms have been replaced with giant insect legs. Between his pincers is an unmistakable, orange block of individually wrapped Kraft brand American cheese singles.
He asks me to tear the cheese singles into small strips and to place them strategically onto his face – in the shape of a nice, full beard. However, he tells me that I must first pinch him as hard as I can, wherever I please and make him cry. Rutger tells me that his tears are the best cheese-to-skin adhesive that he has ever known.
I pinch him on the neck. His eyes well up. He starts to cry. I tear and begin to carefully apply the cheese to his face.
Rutger fights his tears, regains his composure for a moment and looks at me directly in the eyes and says, “You get three chances. If this beard doesn’t look good… I will kill you where you stand.”
